Confession of a Sinful Man

Some days I am afraid there may be a God, after all. He may be angry, vindictive, and wrathful. He may fill up the universe with everlasting judgment but I am sure that I ought to be the first to receive my just deserts. Some say he is loving. In my case, I see no reason why he should love me, nor do I see merit for mercy. The inexplicable reality is that I keep doing things that create inside me the most awful sensation that I have done something most awful. Quickly I turn to justify myself. And I wonder- to whom am I justifying myself? The accusing voice comes from within, dripping with condemnation. My mind searches diligently for evidence in my own defense. But in front of whom does my internal prosecutor and arrogant defender hold court? Myself?

There may be a God, after all. How can I escape this conclusion? Though I pretend that the accusing voices shout without justification, I defend myself nevertheless. When desire is aroused, I obey the desire, arguing that the desire would not arise if it were not an acceptable part of human nature. Upon obeying the desire, I find that a steady stream of insults is generated from within. I protest: "Why can't I have my secret lusts? Why can't I fuel my festering anger? Why can't I revel in the delicious thoughts of revenge?" Who am I responding to? The accusations? Yes. I respond to myself, but if I found myself guilty what punishment would I give? And since I clearly do not punish myself, why am I unable to simply convict myself and move on to my next sin? Who is afraid if there is no punishment? My worst fear is that there may be a God, after all, and he is hearing cases in the court of my heart.

I've met people that have urged me to ignore these voices. The idea is that these voices are merely the imprint of societal standards that are arbitrary at best. Many of these people are young and wild, drenched in life and the thrill of experiencing it. But I am not blind. It is not difficult to find older people that said the same thing when they were young, and are now filled with regret. And even if they do not openly admit to the regret, they often plead with their own children not to repeat the mistakes that they made. These older people obeyed the call of the wild while they were young and now the advise their youth to remain in the safety of tame, even if all the while they do not expect their children to heed their warning. "Everyone has to learn for themselves," they say. "Everyone makes their own mistakes, I had to make mine." So everyone is filled with condemnation. So, in essence, no one ignores the voices for long. Eventually the wild animal is caught in the trap, too old to wriggle out any longer. Are they afraid that there is a God after all and that is why they at least advise their children? Do they think that will be an adequate defense? While they were young they scoffed. But now they tremble. Before whom do they tremble?

Rather than continue this cycle, I wonder if it can be broken. I don't know. However, I am tired of defending myself: I confess that I am scum, a 'sinner' to use terms of old. The accusations are valid. I cannot escape them. The desires still demand obedience; the desires are evil masters that do not care what my obedience may produce. What harm will come to me if don't obey the desires? None I'm sure. Still I cannot resist them for long. I some times obey them just to appease them. The accusations follow but the defense is silent. I have plead guilty. Perhaps I will find a source of strength to finally disobey my desires and live free from the accusations. But I see clearly that I am a sinner (scum), and though I have sinned against no one in action [I say this for the sake of argument. I don't have to think long to uncover sins against others], my thoughts are filled with evil, and sin resides in me and expresses itself through me without compensation, even if it is a sin only I am aware of and only I have entertained. And there will be judgment, for I am convinced that I do not accuse myself to myself and did not defend myself to myself, for that would be absurd. No, there must be a God and he is certain to convict me and punish me to the full measure of my sin.

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?